Friday, July 2, 2010

Driving

So, I was going to post earlier in the week about the surprisingly not-difficult rhubarb jelly I made. And cookies with Sarah. There was BIG EXCITEMENT, people. But then I went away for a couple of days to hang out first with some lovely friends and then with my sister and her girls and I didn't bring my computer (gasp!) and so it just didn't happen.

And then I had to drive home.

Big whoop, right? Just you wait, you cruel-hearted invisibles. When I drive home from my sister's, I have to drive past the exit to the fancy-pants Harvard-affiliated hospital where Jane died. Every time. Unless I wanted to drive around Boston which, ugh. No, no, I save time and wrench my heart. 

I've only had to do it twice since January, but all I can think about are the two panicked drives I had to make: the one on Sunday, when we thought we were about to lose her, and Thursday, when we did. It's about an 18 mile drive. That Sunday night, I got to the hospital in 10 minutes. It was very Italian Job/Gone in 60 Seconds. Really. Ask Tom. That Thursday the same drive took me over an hour. Morning rush hour traffic. In BOSTON. Worst. Drive. Ever. I was out of my head, screaming at the other cars to let me through, driving on the shoulder, pounding on the steering wheel, unable to get to the HOV lane, unable to get to my girl.

That's what I think about every time I go north through Boston. I'm fine once I'm in the tunnel and I love going over the Zakim Bridge, but getting there... Hoo, boy. That drive is not of the fun variety.

Going past the hospital in New Hampshire? No big. It was for so long such a boring, unexceptional part of my day that I don't get a single quell going by. But not Boston. Not going north.

Some day, it'll be an unremarkable drive again. I'll be able to go home without my heart trying to beat through my chest. That'll be a good day.

6 comments:

Brooke Trout said...

I'm sorry. I hope the burden lessens over time. I'm thinking of you and sending love your way.

TT Vanilla said...

Oh, Tia. I hadn't known how awful that drive was that Thursday. How tough it must be to drive past there.

Grace said...

What Vanilla said. No wonder retracing those steps is a tough thing to do.

Raspberry said...

Oh sweetie. So hard to have a route you need to go on periodically associated not only with losing Jane but with the struggle to get to her and be with her. And the whole thing just not fair at all.

Cindy said...

Sending you lots of love .... hoping always for a wee bit of healing...

And remembering Jane in NH ... and in our hearts.

AG Ambroult said...

ugh. I can't even imagine. You might have to tell your sister to meet you in Cambridge from now on.