Thursday, February 18, 2010

Time

So. It's been three weeks. Three weeks exactly since Jane died. How is that even possible? Didn't it just happen? Didn't it happen years ago? Time has gotten distinctly slippery on me. Every day feels like Sunday -- sort of bogged down and swathed in cotton. And yet the day is over before it feels like we've gotten halfway through it. It's Groundhog Day, except every day is a nondescript Sunday afternoon.

So what are we doing? How've we been? Well, mostly, surprisingly okay. Except when we're not. Basically exactly what you'd expect.

I don't know, invisible readers. There was a day at the hospital in Boston when Awesome Rabbi Susan was visiting. (She really was awesome. I wish I'd had more time to spend with her.) Anyway, she said once that there was something so Zen about the whole thing, Zen under fire, I think was her phrase. But the thing about forced march Zen, as I thought about it, is that there should be an end to the march, right? Instead, here we are, still marching, but without the hope of a destination with Jane among us.

So Tom works, Sarah plays, and I fill my time as best I can. I'm finding I either am a model of efficiency, cleaning out long-neglected corners of our house, or am unable to leave my chair, seduced by the discovery that the random cable channel Logo is running episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (I love Buffy. Don't mock.)

One thing I'm having trouble with? This blog. Part of me wants to write daily, part of me never wants to write again. Efficiency me is battling Buffy-watching me, and I don't know which side is going to win. At this very moment, it's a tie. I've got Buffy on while I write. Win-win! Maybe that's the key to this part of our forced march. Zen, Buffy, and the art of blog-writing.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Tia, I really think you should write a book about your wonderful baby Jane...just like this blog--the up's, the down's, the inbetween's---all of it. Last summer i had a friend tell me she had lost a baby a few years prior ( an old grade school and high school friend with whom i had lost contact) and like you she had a toddler. What stands out most for me was that she felt many people didn't want to talk about it, really let her let it go (well besides her hubby and Mom). I just think, and it is totally my opinion, that if there were more people like you sharing their stories---letting other parents know they are not alone---they may feels the hugs and support just as you have felt with all the cards. Whatever you decide to do, i am glad you have shared your story thus far! Jane was here, for she touched my heart!!!

Nancy from NJ

Anonymous said...

Tia, please keep writing, whether on your blog or a book. I think that it will be therapuetic for you and help you heal. As well as the rest of us. I personally want to know that you and Tom and Sarah are doing OK and continue to do so.

Kathy J.

artandsoul said...

Tia - I'm weighing in with the others in favor of you continuing to share your story as best you can. Book or blog at the end of the day, I have no idea. But maybe just blogging every day will keep your options open so that at some point, you may feel a shift toward that as the next right thing to do.

I think you'll know. And until you do know, Win/Win blogging with Buffy on works.

The thing is you have a unique voice - not only do you articulate a devastating journey that others have also walked...but you are able to reach out to others who simply love those who have lost a child. That is a bridge that isn't often built.

You do that with an amazing strength and grace. It is a woman's voice that joins us all in the greater circle. I wish I could write like that. I can't, but I can sure recognize it when I read it.

Maybe it was your generosity of spirit when you included all of us in Jane's journey, and she truly became OUR girl.

She was here. She is still here.

And so are you.

Hugs,

Cindy

Karen said...

Tia...much as I can understand everybody wanting you to continue to write and how you may help others, I'm going to say this to you. Blog if it helps, don't blog if it doesn't. This is your journey, not anybody else's and you are the only one who can figure out whether it is helping or whether you need to do something else for a while. Don't feel pressured and definitely don't feel like you have a responsibility to us invisible readers. We'll be fine. Take care of you.

Rasp said...

I'll second what Karen said, and add something: You don't have to figure out what you want to do wth this or even why you're doing it to keep blogging. Like a memoir writer who writes it all, figuring out later how to "tell all the truth, but tell it slant" (Emily Dickinson), you don't need to craft and "edit" your intentions now. Write b/c it works for you, b/c you want to, b/c you think you might later want to have written...

Rowena said...

I <3 you.