Wednesday, March 24, 2010


Sarah was home from school sick yesterday (actually, she was perfectly fine, but she'd had a fever the day before, so the whole 24-hours fever-free thing was still in effect), so off we went to the library for storytime. STRATEGIC ERROR. Did someone make Tuesdays baby day at the library and not let me know? Holy cats, people. It was baby-central in there. And lots of them were the younger siblings of kids Sarah's age. Hello, knife! Here's a nice twisty spot in my gut for you. Have fun with that!

Jesus. And, AND, one of the stories was Mary Chapin Carpenter's Halley Came to Jackson, complete with sing-a-long, which is a very sweet song that starts with a dad taking his newborn out on the porch to see Halley's comet. I actually almost left. But I called on all my stoic Germanity and soldiered through. But good lord, people. A few unfun moments there.

Now, listen. I'm not a constant ball of anxiety over encountering infants. I have no problems with babies. I love hanging out with my friends' drooly little guys, but there was something about seeing so many together like that, especially the girls in their cute frigging outfits, doing all that normal baby stuff.

It's hitting harder today than yesterday. It's had time to stew and fester, plus Sarah's not here to distract me (which, partly bummer, partly THANK GOD because for the last 36 hours everything I've said to her has been WRONG YOU CAN'T SAY THAT TO ME I DIDN'T TALK TO YOU).


And it's snowing and it's too early to start gardening anyway. So I need a new craft. Obviously. Something I have to focus on to figure out. Something I don't need a lot of stuff to do. Hmm. Anyone want to teach me to handsew? Or embroider? Maybe I should try cross-stitch.

Thoughts, anyone?

What, I should actually use some of the stuff I've already got? Stupid conscience. Go bug someone else.


sarah said... you have a local quilt shop? they might have small craft kits that you could do by hand? or a joann fabric shop?

k said...

After seeing a link to your blog from someone's elses blog that someone else then mentioned on Twitter (got that?), I finally finished reading your blog and Jane's story from start to finish. I shut my door and cried when I read about the day you lost her. There is so much I feel like I could say, but so little of it matters. I am thinking of you in Michigan...

Kori Kasara

Cate said...

because buying new craft supplies always helps?

I'm sorry. stupid universe.

FWIW, mine was a totally different scenario, but I always had a much harder time with total strangers' babies than I did with babies of people I knew.

Cindy said...

I loved cross-stitch. Back in the day. I enjoyed the rhythm of it, and the precision, which really crowded out meandering thoughts.

Then I got to the point where I was sketching pictures on to graph paper - and well, it led to a lot of fun and intense projects!

I'll send you some hoops and threads if you want to go find yourself some patterns and a needle that you like the feel of in your hand.

Years later I have moved to 4 1/2 tons of rock and 5 foot sand piles ... so, maybe you don't actually want to listen to me. :)

But I hear you.


Tasha said...


I still have a hard time around babies, and pregnant women. And our stories are so dissimilar, yet too much the same. I kind of get it. Hugs.

As for hobbies, the NICU made me take up scrapbooking. Yes, they found out I was a teacher and actually gave me the "assignment" of doing a "best thing that happened today" card. Every day. Really difficult at first, but it got easier and I got more creative. But it does take a little bit of an investment to get started. you could try the clearance shelves if you want to try it.

Erica Houskeeper said...

You are so strong. I think seeing babies shortly after experiencing a loss can be extremely difficult, even on a "good" day.

It won't be long before you can start gardening again. But honestly, this time of year is so tough. In the meantime, maybe try scrap booking or knitting. I think knitting looks like such a peaceful activity.

Take care,

Renee said...

I think you need to spin. Fiber into yarn, that is. Very meditative and when you are done, you end up with yarn to knit up!

Stephanie said...

Years and years went by, and I still could not create a scrapbook of my daughter's life. I tried a page here and there, but it always overwhelmed me -- those pages were never perfect enough, not at all adequate.

Finally, when I was ready, my mom took all those pictures and things and made the book for me. It was a relief.