Wednesday, December 30, 2009


And I was so hopeful about today.

It was a good start, all the way up until 7:45 am. That's when Sarah's teacher called to say there was no school today. Because there was no water. In the WHOLE TOWN. And Tom had work stuff he couldn't get out of, so...

So I packed a lunch for us and loaded the Giant Bag of Everything with everything and off we went.

We missed rounds. They were early today -- when? when does that ever happen? -- and apparently nothing came out of it, but still.

I tried to get Jane to breastfeed when she was awake and looking happy and, no. She couldn't get any kind of latch and started to tire out, and her Os went from the 50s to the 80s.

Sarah kept pretending to mess with the tubes, which was freaking me out, even though she wasn't doing anything. I was sure everyone was staring at me and thinking, "What kind of person brings in a germy kid in the first place, and then lets them run wild?"

I read The Nutcracker to the girls (three times in a row), and Sarah kept bringing me board books to read, but Jane wasn't having it. I finally put her back in her bed and she immediately started hisatting. As if to say "FINALLY. BED. YES."

Sarah and I ate, and she was persistently being three. No outright tantrums, just dragging feet and deliberately chewing with her mouth open and dancing on the couch (chanting "Shake your little bum" which soon morphed into "Shake your little gas" when she had some -- nice), and not keeping her mask on and touching germy stuff everywhere and just... being three.

I gave up. I did. I threw in the towel. I just couldn't handle it. Jane was unhappy, Sarah was freaking me out, and I finally left.

What am I going to do when Jane's home? That's all I could think about on the drive back. I'm not going to be able to just walk away from this stuff when she's here. I don't know if I'm going to be able to manage all this when it's real.

I don't think Jane felt any better about it than I did.

"Can you go away? Can you just go away? Can you go away?" (a la Meg Ryan in Kate and Leopold)


Karen said...

Oh, Tia...what a yucky day and I can totally sympathize with dealing with a three year old just being three. It sounds like you actually handled the whole situation well and did the right thing by throwing in the towel. I myself had a bad parenting day yesterday and completely lost my temper with my own three year old for being three and being sassy to me one too many times. I won't deny that you are going to have challenges when you bring Jane home and it will feel overwhelming sometimes but you'll also be at home. Sarah will be in her own environment and will often be able to help you with Jane...she can also be distracted by her own toys when you need some quieter time. Also, you won't feel the pressure to hold Jane in the precious few hours you have with her at the hospital as you can always pick her up later. I might suggest that you also consider finding Sarah an overnight adventure for the first 1-2 nights you are home with Jane. We are sending Andrew to his aunt and uncle's house after Michael's surgery. Andrew will think it's fun and we can focus on Michael. Anyway, what I'm saying is that I can understand that the prospect of taking care of Jane and Sarah under these conditions must be VERY overwhelming but you are such a wonderful mom that I know you will be able to handle it. I'm sure you'll still have days you'll feel like "Mama fail" but lots of days where you'll also feel like "I'm SuperMama - how am I managing to do all this stuff?" Ask for lots of help, can only take care of your kids if you take care of yourself. Sending hugs...Karen

mommatosena said...

DUDE! give yourself a break! Under the best of circumstances a being three can be shear torture!! add in the other variables and that is enough to applaud you for even packing the bag of everything and trying to go! I agree that having them home under the same roof at time will be daunting but it is for anyone even under the best of times. What you can't account for is that when you are home who cares if you jump on the couch and pass gas and sing about it no one is there to see or judge! Take help for sure and the overnight adventure is a grand idea! Being home will mean no drive stress and unlimited snoogling and on both of your mutually agreeable schedules! Jane has had a tiresome few days as well that is bound to show up in the nursing cause really do you want to work at eating when all you want to do is sleep! nahh...HUGS you are a rock star and you will be fine. Prayers as always!

Meredith said...

Honey, I'm freaking AWFUL with my 3 year old at times, and, yanno, I've got nothing special going on over here. It's just hard some days. You do great.

Karen said...

Okay, so my bad parenting day was FREAKING AWFUL! If Meredith can say so, so can I. Whoever said "parenting is the hardest job you'll ever have" was absolutely right!!

artandsoul said...

Ditto ditto ditto what everyone else said! Kudos to you for going, for giving it a shot (with three year old in tow) and for saying 'that's it.'

I think it is a sign of maturity and good parenting when we can recognize when it's time to walk away. And trust me, when Jane is home, you will sometimes just walk away. We have to. Jane will be fine. You will lay her down in her crib and walk away. Not forever.

Your day sounds like one of those days that all of us have and I hope at some point you can feel the comfort in that. You've been in a totally "other" category for so much of Jane's life because of the special challenges.

Now, dealing with two kids. Not being able to handle it every second. Finding the limit of our understanding and patience. Yep - regular parenting moment. With Jane and Sarah!

Not that it "feels good" but that it is normal. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. And that you do, and will, survive.

What is it about precious, adorable, darling little three year olds that shake their bums and let out a poot in public?? Never in all our days did my kids do that in the privacy of our own home - they did it ONLY in the company of others.

Sending you hugs, and support, and hopefully comfort that you're not alone and that you CAN and WILL be able to manage!


Anonymous said...

Tia -- You rock. Hang in there!

mommatosena said...

POOT!! I LOVE that word! The first time I actually heard it was from a SA lifetime friend and LOL'd in in trouble too...worth it though! Cindy you are right they never POOT at home always when out!! LOL